The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Randomize
