Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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