Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
