apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
