You don't have asthma, your pregnant
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It's never too late to be topless.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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