You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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