I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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