I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
