Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
