1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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