my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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