God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
