So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
