I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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