So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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