are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
