Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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