We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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