i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
