dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
