My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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