Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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