you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
