I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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