I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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