Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize