Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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