just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
