You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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