I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Blood and glitter go together right?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
