I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
