I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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