she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
