sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
