I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
