my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
