Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
