I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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