Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
