Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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