Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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