I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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