Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
tell me about the eggs
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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