dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
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