Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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