Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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