Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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