Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
