I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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