my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
