That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
