If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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