I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
