Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
