I'm going to jail i love you
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
