How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
