I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
you never un-have a 4some
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
