and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
