using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
