I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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