After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
